Originally published August 16, 2014
I spent my life in avoidance. Avoidance of pain, certainly, but also avoidance of risk of trust, avoidance of change, avoidance of the unfamiliar, avoidance of allowing myself to be open to anyone.
I was adept at sabotage, setting things up so nothing appeared to be my fault, and yet, I understand now how everything was on me.
A few women loved me but with each I played games until I’d made her cry and doubt herself, grow so emotionally brittle that she’d crumble. This made them easy to leave.
In many ways, I felt myself superior to others yet in fundamental ways, feared I was not as superior as I imagined myself to be. It was necessary not to let anyone too close, lest we all find out the truth of me.
I kept my children close by keeping them dependent. They were deeply damaged and this, too, was my doing.
By all appearances, I was a success but all the money and accolades never convinced me of my worth. Nothing external can ever assuage self-doubt.
I was very good at appearances. My ornate façade was solidly built of bricks and mortar. Traps were set everywhere. It was so impressive, even to myself, I often failed to notice the vulnerability I still felt within. In masking it so well to others, I masked it to myself. In any case, I had no need to face my own weakness — that’s how thick my walls were. Nobody got in.
I was so arrogant at my ability to play this game better than anyone else. I was proud of my fortress. While others inevitably showed their flaws and fears, I remained inviolate; the victorious king in his impenetrable castle.
But in the end, what did I gain by avoiding all the lessons I might have learned if I’d taken the risks? If I’d let someone in? If I ventured out? I learned that self-protection is not the same as emotional bravery. And very often, by winning, you lose.
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