A Selfish Cad
First published October 18, 2014
I was not a good person in my lifetime. I cheated and took advantage of people. I always chose was what best for myself and never fully chose for anyone else. Even when I behaved in an apparently magnanimous way, it was only because it furthered my own needs. This was true even in my marriage, even with my own children.
But these were not my worst sins. The tragedy of my life was that I was completely oblivious to what a selfish, unenlightened human being, in fact, I was. I never had a moment’s doubt that my behavior wasn’t righteous and justified. After all, if I didn’t choose in favor of myself, who would? Others could not be trusted to watch out for my best interests.
There is absolute truth in that. It’s an important lesson; something I’d learned before and brought with me to this last life. But that is only half the lesson. Without the corollary, the real lesson has not been learned.
There is no question that the point of life is to learn to love. All goodness and enlightenment of the spirit spring from accepting this as the absolute truth. All routes to all lessons pass through love – not only by understanding how best to achieve it, but by confronting all the reasons we run from it; and by examining the ways we comfort ourselves when we don’t have it.
But one cannot love if one cannot trust. Those who cannot trust themselves, cannot love themselves. Of all the kinds of human love, self-love is most important. Without self-love, it is impossible to accept love from others. Without this, one cannot love.
The more we truly love and accept ourselves exactly as we are, the more we are able to love and accept others exactly as they are, and thus, the more lovable we become.
So, we must always behave in ways that foster self-respect. We take the high road not for the sake of others, but for our own benefit. We must release anger and forgive; expect the best of others thus giving them the opportunity to live up to those expectations while recognizing that if they do not, that is their burden to carry. The misdeeds of others taint us and attach to us only when we respond in kind.
I only know this now, too late to have benefited anyone in my past life. My punishment, if you want to call it that, for being such a shallow, selfish cad, is to know how much I hurt the ones closest to me, and how much better it would have been for all of us, if I’d be able to see then what I see now.
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