The Lives of the Dead

Some of the most interesting people I meet are dead…

Way To Go

originally posted 6/3/14


Sometimes, when you are hurting, you just want to be with someone who loves you. You don’t necessarily have to say or hear those words, because even unspoken; it’s understood. Sometimes, when you are sad and confused; flailing, near drowning, in a stormy ocean, you need an anchor; someone to keep you from drifting out to sea. You can put on a brave face to the world, but sometimes it’s nice to have someone to hold you when you fall apart, away from judgment.

I had a lot of close acquaintances in my life — people I laughed with when times were good — but there were not too many who took my confession. I protected my fragility well. Not too many breached my walls.

As I grew older, one by one, they started to die, leaving a landscape pocked with gaping chasms of loneliness. Gone were those precious few humans whose souls resonated with mine; who knew where the shattered pieces fit.

Soon, there was nobody left who knew me; nobody left who could look me in the eye and see clear down to my soul. I was old and alone. I wasn’t sick, but at such an age, infirmity can overtake you in the blink of an eye – a bad fall; a cold that becomes pneumonia; a stroke; the wear and tear of time on the body and then the final straw that snaps the back. I lived in dread of that day coming upon me. I would end up alone in some awful place where they put old people to die, surrounded by strangers who would take care of my body while ignoring my heart.

I couldn’t let that happen to myself.

There was nobody left who cared enough to warrant a note or a goodbye. Most would just see a sad end to an old person who had nothing left to live for.

But that’s not really how it was. Not exactly.

I didn’t kill myself because I had nothing to live for. I killed myself because I wanted to leave before I lost control of my own story. I didn’t want to lose my autonomy. That would have been worse than death.

Once the death spiral began, there would be no pulling out. Worse, there would be nobody who would save me from the horrible end. There was nobody left who loved me enough to pull the plug, disconnect the tubes; nobody to slip me too much morphine so I could go in peace.   No, I’d have to ride it out, counting the minutes until it would all be over.

That is not a way to die. This is one of the greatest tragedies of modern man, but if you took a survey among the living, it wouldn’t even make the list.

Only a handful of people were at the funeral. Some relatives were there out of respect (respect for what, I have no idea). A couple of good-time pals from the old days (who weren’t looking too great, themselves) Someone hired religious figure, who’d never met me, to say a few blessings.

If I’d had pills, I would have used them, but in the end, I did it with gas. I wasn’t brave enough for violence. I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. I was serene and sure. In those last hours, and just until I lost consciousness, I really missed my dearest friends. But this time, it was tempered with the joy of knowing I would soon be with them all again.



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3 thoughts on “Way To Go

  1. Janet Pipes on said:

    Interesting. I’ve thought of this certainly since I’m 72 years old. And yet, have heard from so many psychics that suicide is not acceptable – although this person’s reasoning matches mine and seems logical.

    And now as an advocate against professional guardianship fraud – where judges, lawyers, court-appointed guardians, corrupt physicians, Adult Protective Service investigators, law enforcement, nursing home owners, hospital administrators, etc. make billions of dollars yearly on this syndicated crime and are hoping to pass easy suicide laws nationally – I’ve had to re-think my desire to have physician assisted suicide available so easily.

    Perhaps one of your acquaintances on the Other Side would be willing to give us some advice on this crime that MetLife calls “elder financial fraud the crime of the century and human trafficking under abuse of power.”

  2. Assisted suicide is a “syndicated crime”?
    1. You are assuming that people asking for assisted suicide are too dumb to speak for themselves and only you can be the advocate of what you think to be their best interest. Don’t you feel that you are insulting them by (in one wording or another) labeling them as “victims of syndicated crime”? Not everyone can still wipe their own ass at the age 72.
    2. You are assuming that big pharma industries (along with their more-than-well-paid doctors) are not already corrupt and money-oriented in itself, LOL.
    3. You are assuming that suicide is some sort of a failure in one’s spiritual journey, while conveniently ignoring that suicide has –and gives– its own lessons. Logically, I can tell you must be a firm believer in freewill, are you not? Now,

    a. Assisted suicide will allow greater convenience for people to donate their livers, kidneys, eyes, bone marrow etc, compared to “illegal suicide” with guns, poison, knives and jumps. To hell with whatever verdict the “higher beings” will pass!

    b. From a socio-LOGICal point of view, there is no such thing as freewill. For your study, get the book The Myth of Freewill by Kent Brentwood. I can likewise present you verses from both the Bible & the Quran confirming that the belief in freewill logically betrays the belief in an eternal, singular, Creator of all, but that’s irrelevant here:-)

    c. From a certain spiritual point of view, as George Kavassilas precisely and consistently points out in his book Our Universal Journey, there is no freewill because “in the higher dimensions, the future has already happened”. It is therefore impossible to stray from your “intended path of lesson” because all paths are lessonic, no matter how evil you think you have ^chosen^ to become. Our higher selves in the 5th dimension (above the lies of the angels, guides, gurus, fore-parents etc that “inhabit” the many bubbles of realities in the 4th dimension and work for that “false God” who feeds on our devotional “faith” energy to sustain its matrix of deceit) wanted us to experience all expression of existence, and yes, including the to “be fooled and lost” in the matrix. So no, you can never be “lost” from the point of view of the higher dimensions, although entities of the 4th and our dimensions label certain things in life as “straying, lost and deviating”. What a syndicate they are, LOL.

    d. Just because they are no longer sharing the same physical realm with us, does not mean that the souls of the departed have the “correct” understanding of reality.
    There’s a great void separating the 4th and 5th dimension, and there’s a reason why EVEN the entity whom people believe as “God” cannot (or at this point, unwilling to) transcend it. Again Kavassilas explains this clearly and consistently in Our Universal Journey (unlike other writers who waffles around when it comes to the question of freewill and predestination and therefore making their theories unsustainable).

  3. Apologies, I cant find edit button for my post, to modify the following:
    The correct book referred to in point in 3.b. in my post above is “The Myth of Choice” by Kent Greenfield.
    The mistake of mis-remembrance is hereby rectified :-).

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