The Lives of the Dead

Some of the most interesting people I meet are dead…


Originally published Feb 26, 2015



I played the game the way it was taught to me. I had a family. I had a good job which I enjoyed. I was happy to be able to care for my family. We were happy. We laughed together. I enjoyed my life.  Things were getting better all the time.

Then I got sick. It was nothing terminal, unless you consider the cascade which it set in motion. It was just serious and long enough for me to lose my job. And when I was once again ready to work, there was no work to be had. It was an employers’ market. Nobody needed to take a risk on someone like me, who might become sick again. There were younger, stronger men ready to work.

And so, it came to be that I was no longer able to take care of my family. My wife worked hard, but we were always wanting. We had to move to a much smaller place, far from our friends. Our marriage was strained to breaking. I think the only reason she didn’t throw me out was because she took pity on me.

I was depressed. I worried constantly. Nothing interested me. Nothing gave me pleasure or joy. I tried to do my best for my children. I held myself together when I was around them, until I couldn’t anymore. The stress ate away at whatever remaining health I had.   I lasted for another ten years or so like that. I died young, leaving my family alone.

Looking back, I examine my life, to see what, if anything, I could have done to make things turn out differently, either before or after the trouble started. But I was limited by the resources given to me. It is pointless to say I should have felt differently. If I could have, I would have.


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2 thoughts on “Anhedonia

  1. Alex Reyenga on said:

    I can so relate to this except for me the downturn was the economy and a dying trade in the IT field. I have come to the realization that suicide is not a single event. It is a series of events that occur in the mind where one loses all interest in doing anything. What once inspired me and gave me joy and excitement becomes a financial burden and so what once was becomes no more as survival comes higher and higher on the priority list. Living from day to day just for the sake of survival is not living. It is a burden that becomes heaver and heaver as the days, weeks, and months pass by and everything in my life crumbles and falls apart.

  2. Alex, as I posted on FB, please remember, there are other ways to find fulfilment and joy in life. I have been in that place so I understand from whence you speak but if you are feeling suicidal, please reach out and get some help.

    For me, the “cure” was to completely change my life around. To do things that were like nothing I’d ever done before. To really get out of my comfort zone and fly without a net.

    Change careers, Change locations. Join the French Foreign Legion.

    For me, depression is a product of feeling as if I have no control over my life/circumstances, thus taking back control in whatever meansure I can, really helps. Sometimes that’s just lateral change, but it’s a way of reclaiming my agency. Perhaps that will be useful to you.

    And should you or anyone need it:

    National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

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