The Lives of the Dead

Some of the most interesting people I meet are dead…

Archive for the month “September, 2019”

The Demons Inside

First published Aug 7, 2016

voices in head

Dor

Even as a child, I could not bear the weight of my own emotions.  I bore the brunt of everything with maximum intensity. It was both a gift and a curse. My attachments were obsessive. My pain, unbearable.  But my soul went deep.

I’d be angry then sad then joyful then angry and sad again, sometimes in the course of an hour. I had no control, and nobody ever taught me how just be.

Over time, I developed my own coping skills. Not all of them proved successful in the long term.

For example, I discovered that if I hurt myself physically, I could temporarily relocate the pain outside my head to a place where I could attend to it. To me, that felt like control.

My feelings clanged against the bars of my internal prison. When I immersed myself in loud noise,  when I  filled my head with sound (sometimes it was my own screaming), it drowned the sound of my own noisy emotions.

By the time I became an adult, there were treatments. While they helped dull the clatter,  they offered their own problems. My choice was:  anguish and fear (which were feelings at least),  or numbness.

Initially, the numbness was welcome. Imagine being pulled from a crazy, loud, verbally abusive family and dropped solo on a deserted island.  Oh, to have peace and quiet in my own head for the first time!  But it became quickly clear that this was a bargain with the devil. I missed my own mind,  as damaged as it was. I felt isolated, even from myself.  All my life, because of how I was, I’d interacted with the world in a certain way, and from that experience I’d learned all my lessons.  And then I wasn’t that person anymore and none of my lessons applied. I had no idea how to be in the world,  how to exist inside my own body.

And so I ran away from the treatments and the doctors and good-intentioned family members who wanted the best for me, but also for themselves.  As myself,  I disrupted all their lives.  As not myself,  I had no life.

I suffered,  not because of the voices or the feelings,  but because I didn’t know how to co-exist with them.  I never learned to make peace with them. It took enormous energy, which I didn’t often have, not to let them dictate my mood.  I would command them to stop, and sometimes,  for a while, they would.  Eventually however, I lost the strength and will to fight them.

I could have continued the treatments and lived what would have seemed,  from the outside, a normal life but I believed that was the cowardly way.  These were my demons to tame,  and if I lost the fight, at least I stood up to them.

In the end,  the demons did me in,  but I fought nobly and remained in possession of my soul to the end.


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If you are enjoying this blog,  please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email (new posts every three days).  When you think of others who might enjoy it too,  it’s easy enough to help spread the word! Post your favorite stories to social media.   Email a particularly apt link to a friend.   Even better,  talk about the concepts with others (whether you agree or disagree. )
Also,  I have just started a discussion group on Facebook,  for conversations about any of the concepts/issues in the posts.  Honestly, these are things in here which I don’t fully understand myself.  I would love  get your thoughts on this…even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey!
-Adrienne

 

image: http://www.abc.net.au/radionational/image/5117230-1×1-700×700.jpg

Heal! I say. Heal!

A word from me…

Hubby and I have started studying Reiki as our local community college.  So far, just one class but it was interesting and fun.  The teacher promises that it will increase psychic abilities and help concentration. For her, these are side benefits.  For me,  if I can accomplish JUST those two things, I will be satisfied.

I’m sure many of my readers know a lot more about Reiki than I do.  At this point, all I know is that it’s a way of moving energy,  for healing purposes.  It about turning oneself into a conduit for the healing energy of the universe, allowing it to flow through and be directed to whomever needs it.  HOW to do so remains to be learned.

Our homework was to place our hands in various positions on our body,  corresponding to our chakras, (which seems to me a mixed metaphor since Reiki is Japanese and chakras are Indian.  But I digress.)  While doing so,  we are to focus on channeling healing energy.   I visualize myself as a pure, hollow crystal tube.  Any conduit,  in order to transmit anything (electricity, water, oil), needs to be clear and free of impediments clinging to or blocking the inner walls.  Any blockage will change the course and perhaps the nature of whatever is flowing through.  Therefore,  one needs to put aside ego and one’s own issues to become a “pure, clean conduit.”  So, this is what I have been meditating on.

Many years ago,  just after college (i.e. when dinosaurs roamed the earth), I studied Silva Mind Control. (I don’t think they run that 2-weekend program any more,  at least not the same way, which is a pity.)  At the time, I found their claims interesting  while still being skeptical of them,  however they offered a money-back guarantee, so I figured I’d give it a try.  I did not like the teacher at all.  I found him creepy. I resisted him. And still,  every one of their promises was justified. (The course consisted of lectures and group hypnosis/visualization.  The hypnosis was read from a standard script — perhaps it was even a recording — so the teacher, himself, for that part of it, anyway, was moot.)

Even though I don’t actively use most of exercises these days,  I have incorporated most of the teachings into my world view and belief system because the truth of them have been proven to me.   One of the main things I have come to trust is the ability to heal oneself.  I have done this on myself, many times,  and it’s been proven in controlled studies. (Watch “Heal” on Netflix if you can.)

Another “truth” I took from Silva was the notion that everyone is psychic.  We can fine-tune that ability; learn our own signposts and symbols — if we are willing to pay attention and do the work. It’s a teachable skill. Obviously, some are more gifted than others, but anyone can perceive things clairvoyantly, clairsentiently, or via any of the other clairs (with the possibly exception of chocolate eclairs.)  We do all do it all the time, but we don’t realize we’re doing it because we are not paying close enough attention.

So,  I am willing to believe that there is value in Reiki because it pulls from the same general ideas BUT,  as with most such things,  I go in a skeptic — wanting to believe, doing the work,  but not willing to believe baselessly.

I will report back as we progress.

-a

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Buy the book!

If you are enjoying this blog,  please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email (new posts every three days).  When you think of others who might enjoy it too,  it’s easy enough to help spread the word! Post your favorite stories to social media.   Email a particularly apt link to a friend.   Even better,  talk about the concepts with others (whether you agree or disagree. )
Also,  I have just started a discussion group on Facebook,  for conversations about any of the concepts/issues in the posts.  Honestly, these are things in here which I don’t fully understand myself.  I would love  get your thoughts on this…even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey!
-Adrienne

The Definition of Us

first published March 29, 2015


hands

Aya

Love is defined not only by the emotions we feel for others but by how others feel about us.

We each make our choices about who we want to be. Shall we be the kind of person whom others feel joy to keep close to their hearts, even after we long are out of their lives? Will we be entirely forgettable, leaving little impression on those whose lives we’ve crossed? Will we be the person who causes others anticipate the relief of no longer feeling anything for us?   Do we uplift those around us or prop ourselves up at the expense of others?

And it is from these basic choices that our actions flow.  And from these actions, grow our character.

_____

Buy the book!

If you are enjoying this blog,  please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email (new posts every three days).  When you think of others who might enjoy it too,  it’s easy enough to help spread the word! Post your favorite stories to social media.   Email a particularly apt link to a friend.   Even better,  talk about the concepts with others (whether you agree or disagree. )
Also,  I have just started a discussion group on Facebook,  for conversations about any of the concepts/issues in the posts.  Honestly, these are things in here which I don’t fully understand myself.  I would love  get your thoughts on this…even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey!
-Adrienne

It’s Just the Voices In My Head…

 

 

A note from me

I’ve been trying to devote more time to channeling, but for some reason,  the stories aren’t coming with the speed or ease they used to.  However,  I’ve been experiencing a strange new phenomenon.  I’ve been hearing “voices” in my head.  I can’t make out what they’re saying, exactly  — it’s as if I’m listening to conversations through a thick wall; as if people are conversing in the next hotel room.  Although the words are indistinct,  I can make out accents or know what language they are speaking other than English.  I can tell if they are arguing,  pontificating, speaking lovingly/romantically., etc.   So,  I might have a sense that it’s a Russian couple having a fight,  but I have no idea what they are saying.  Every once in a while, I might catch a word, but since I often don’t speak the language,  it means nothing to me.  This happens only when I blank my mind and go into that state where previously dead people gave me their stories.

Before any of you suggest I write down what I’m hearing, I should say that there’s nothing solid enough for me to grab on to.  If I try really hard to listen or make sense of it,  it recedes.  If I try to pin it down,  it disappears.

Sometimes, I hear fully orchestrated music (that goes back to childhood.)   I suppose if I were a musician and could transcribe what I was hearing, I could  write it down and “compose” music.  Alas, it melts away as soon as I engage my fully conscious mind,  in the same way the voices do.

I have no idea what this is about.  Maybe there’s something psychic or clairaudient about it,  or perhaps it’s just my mind playing tricks.  Or perhaps I’m just nucking futz!!!

Anyone else ever experience something like this?

Equilibrium and the Bell Curve

First published March 23, 2014

bigstock__d_gold_balance_the_scales_of_61236361

Mok

As a child, I never had much use for school. Perhaps I lacked the interest or the attention span. Or maybe I just wasn’t smart enough. Or maybe a little of each. I dropped out of school before high school and felt like a big, important man because I worked and had spending money, while my friends still suffered in class.

When I was older, those same friends became more successful than I was because they had more resources, more knowledge, more information. But I had my own small business and earned a good living – enough to support my family in a comfortable way. To be sure, I did some things that weren’t one hundred percent legal in order to stay above water, but I was smart enough never to get caught.

I would never admit it to anyone – I couldn’t even acknowledge it to myself — but I was insecure about my lack of education. Rather than consider myself less than those who had degrees, I mocked them – to myself and to others. I took the position that highly educated people had no idea about real life; that all their knowledge was theoretical. Their so-called facts had no relation to my world. The academics in government made policy based on statistics and theory. I, however, had real-life experience. My opinions were at least as valuable as their facts and theories; maybe more so. I had no use for them.

I resisted change. My position was that the old way was good enough. It wasn’t so much that changes in the world did not benefit me (although they generally did not) but rather I did not have the ability, knowledge or flexibility to evolve with the times. I couldn’t keep up with technology. I didn’t have the intellectual capacity to read about or comprehend new concepts. I didn’t have the energy or focus to navigate cultural shifts. Society grows ever more complicated, and I preferred the comfortable familiarity of what I already knew. I simply wasn’t up to the challenge of constant change. I voted for people who thought as I did, even though they were as unqualified as I was to run the country.

The older I got, the more conservative I became in my thinking. I became bitter and angry that the world was moving forward without me, regardless of how much I kicked and screamed. By the time I died, I was so fed up with the world and how (I believed) it had changed for the worse, I wasn’t sorry to leave it behind.

Human culture is continuum of those who remain grounded in the past and those who are willing to leap off a cliff into the unknown. Sometimes a leap into unknown produces great advances forward. Sometimes, it brings disaster. Those who resist change function as an anchor. They assure that when those who jump off the cliffs leave a big stain, someone is left to run things. On the other hand, if nobody is willing to take the leap, there is no progress; humankind would stagnate and die. Those at the extremes balance each other, keeping the equilibrium.

 

_____
Buy the book!

If you are enjoying this blog,  please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email (new posts every three days).  When you think of others who might enjoy it too,  it’s easy enough to help spread the word! Post your favorite stories to social media.   Email a particularly apt link to a friend.   Even better,  talk about the concepts with others (whether you agree or disagree. )
Also,  I have just started a discussion group on Facebook,  for conversations about any of the concepts/issues in the posts.  Honestly, these are things in here which I don’t fully understand myself.  I would love  get your thoughts on this…even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey!
-Adrienne

The Rule of Anarchy

Originally published March 26, 2015

Kha

In the time and place when I last lived it was impossible to tell the righteous from the evil.  Sometimes,  your enemy could be kind or generous or offer you aid in your time of need; and sometimes your own friends and family betrayed you.  Trust was a luxury in which no one dared indulge, not even in love.  Allegiances fluttered like leaves on the trees; showing first one face and then suddenly, with a slight change in the wind,  exposing their pale, veined undersides to the sun.

I worked hard to avoid aligning myself with either camp, but this proved nearly impossible. I pretended to be feeble-minded so they would not demand too much of me; so they would not press me too often into service for their cause. If I could not be relied upon to do their bidding, I would not be asked. Or, if I were asked and I failed, I would not be thought a traitor.

But what was a traitor? A traitor to what? What was left to betray? Nothing was black or white, up or down, right or wrong. Everything was a muddy dun-colored pile of string. You could not tell from looking if it was comprised of one long one strand or a hundred short ones. But it did not matter if it was it was all connected or not. In the beginning,  it had all been of one piece. Chopping it apart did not make the parts manifestly different from each other.

They all liked to believe they stood for something unique but there was no difference. People ostensibly chose sides but in reality, loyalties were too easily bought and sold for sides to have any real meaning. People stood with whomever could best provide what they needed most at that moment…food,  protection, shelter, weapons.

There was no law…not of government, not of God, and not even most natural laws of man. Society did not exist, only quotidian anarchy.

This was all I ever knew in that life.  My ruse of playing the fool worked to keep my out of any political tug of war and away from accusations, but it could not save me from random violence. I was killed by a bomb, along with the guilty, the innocent and the undecided.

——————

Buy the book!

If you are enjoying this blog,  please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email (new posts every three days).  When you think of others who might enjoy it too,  it’s easy enough to help spread the word! Post your favorite stories to social media.   Email a particularly apt link to a friend.   Even better,  talk about the concepts with others (whether you agree or disagree. )
Also,  I have just started a discussion group on Facebook,  for conversations about any of the concepts/issues in the posts.  Honestly, these are things in here which I don’t fully understand myself.  I would love  get your thoughts on this…even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey!
-Adrienne
original artwork:  Adrienne Gusoff

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