first published Oct 7, 2015
I was intelligent enough to understand that self-knowledge and self-awareness were crucial for spiritual evolvement, and I absolutely wanted to evolve. I believed that if I understood myself deeply enough, I could become free from my pain. Although I dove deep, I was not able to find the way out into the light on the other side. I was trapped inside myself with the knowledge of who I was.
I was painfully familiar with every dark, back alley of my soul. I kept strict accounting of my limitations, my fears, my perplexions. And yet, I was powerless against them all. Neither knowledge nor awareness was able to banish any of it.
I watched as others went about their lives in blissful ignorance of their own flaws. I wished with envy that I too could forget all that was wrong with me.
And so, I held myself apart from others for fear of hurting them as I flailed around in the darkness. I couldn’t bear to burden anyone with the wretched curse of who I was. And so I lived alone, in the shadow of the Light.
Now it is all clear: It wasn’t the knowledge of my flaws that caused my torment. It was my inability to forgive myself for what I could not change.
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